KHUD SE WAPAS !

 Kabhi kabhi sabse bada journey kisi aur tak pahunchne ka nahi, balki khud tak wapas aane ka hota hai. Aur yeh journey loud nahi hoti - yeh dheere dheere hoti hai, bina kisi announcement ke, bina kisi perfect moment ke.

Main hamesha se thodi alag rahi hoon apne thoughts ke case mein. Main cheezein deeply feel karti hoon, unhe analyze karti hoon, aur phir unhe apne andar hi store kar leti hoon. Bahar se shayad simple lagta hai sab, par andar ka process kaafi intense hota hai.

Aur shayad isi wajah se meri life ke kuch experiences ne mujhe bahut quietly change kiya.

Love life ho ya normal connections - maine hamesha cheezo ko real rakhne ki koshish ki. Main fake efforts ya half-hearted intentions mein believe nahi karti. Agar main kisi ko importance deti hoon, toh woh genuine hota hai. Par yahin ek chhoti si mistake bhi ho jaati thi.

Main kabhi kabhi apni hi importance thodi kam kar deti thi.

Not because I didn’t value myself, par because main zyada focus kar leti thi “us connection ko kaise better banaya jaaye” instead of “kya yeh mere liye sahi hai ya nahi.” Yeh difference subtle hai, par impact bohot bada hota hai.

Maine seekha ki har effort worth it nahi hota, aur har connection equal energy deserve nahi karta.

Ek aur cheez jo maine realize ki - main silence ko bohot importance deti thi. Mujhe lagta tha ki agar main react nahi kar rahi, toh main strong hoon. Agar main argue nahi kar rahi, toh main mature hoon. Par dheere dheere samajh aaya ki har baar chup rehna strength nahi hota.

Kabhi kabhi chup rehna sirf ek aadat hoti hai - avoid karne ki, ya phir yeh soch ke ki “shayad bolne se kuch change nahi hoga.”

Par truth yeh hai ki jab tum apni side nahi rakhte, toh tum khud ko hi unheard chhod dete ho.

Aur yeh feeling sabse zyada heavy hoti hai.

Meri life mein kuch aise moments aaye jahan main bohot kuch keh sakti thi, par maine nahi kaha. Shayad timing galat thi, ya shayad main ready nahi thi. Par baad mein realize hua ki unsaid words bhi ek weight leke chalte hain.

Aur woh weight tumhare saath rehta hai.

Par yeh sab experiences negative nahi the. Unhone mujhe break nahi kiya, unhone mujhe shape kiya. Unhone mujhe yeh samjhaya ki strength ka matlab sirf tolerate karna nahi hota, strength ka matlab hota hai samajhna ki kab bolna zaroori hai.

Ab main pehle jaisi nahi hoon. Main ab bhi feel karti hoon deeply, par ab main un feelings ko ignore nahi karti. Main unhe acknowledge karti hoon. Main ab bhi attach hoti hoon, par ab main apni boundaries lose nahi karti.

Sabse bada change yeh hai ki ab main khud ko priority dene lagi hoon — bina guilt ke.

Pehle mujhe lagta tha ki agar main apne liye stand lungi, toh shayad main selfish lagungi. Par ab samajh aaya hai ki self-respect aur selfishness mein difference hota hai. Apni peace protect karna selfish nahi hota.

Aur shayad yahi meri real growth hai.

Ab main har cheez ko “forever” ke perspective se nahi dekhti. Main moments ko samajhne ki koshish karti hoon. Agar koi connection achha hai, toh main usse value karti hoon. Agar nahi hai, toh main usse force nahi karti.

Because har cheez ko hold karna zaroori nahi hota.

Kabhi kabhi chhod dena hi better hota hai - bina drama ke, bina explanation ke, bas quietly.

Mujhe ab bhi sab answers nahi milte, aur shayad kabhi milenge bhi nahi. Par ab mujhe un answers ki utni zaroorat bhi nahi hai. Kyunki main yeh samajh chuki hoon ki clarity hamesha dusron se nahi aati, kabhi kabhi woh andar se aati hai.

Aur jab tum khud ko samajhne lagte ho, toh baaki cheezein utni complicated nahi lagti.

Aaj agar main apne aap ko define karun, toh main perfect nahi hoon. Main ab bhi mistakes karti hoon, ab bhi overthink karti hoon, aur kabhi kabhi ab bhi chup reh jaati hoon.

Par difference bas itna hai - ab main khud se door nahi bhaagti.

Main wapas aa gayi hoon.

Thodi better, thodi clearer, aur thodi zyada real.

Aur shayad isi ko kehte hain 

“khud se wapas aana.”